There are a few golden rules to which you must follow. If you follow these rules you will become a bar god just like me. Obviously, the first objective at the bar is to get drinks and shots.
DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, SNAP YOUR FINGERS OR TAP A GLASS TO GET A BARTENDERS ATTENTION…EVER!
- Hold cash or card in your hand, make eye contact with a bartender, he/she will nod at you. You’re in the queue now. This doesn’t mean you’re next, but soon.
- When they get to you, rattle your order off with no delay or chit chat. No “what’s good here?”, “What do you drink”, none of that shit!
- The hot chick behind the bar has been hit on all night, she knows she’s beautiful. You telling her she’s hot will not get you a better drink, better service, or free shit. Trying to make small talk when they’re busy will just piss them off!
- Don’t be that dick who orders Mojitos and layered shots at 8 pm, 3 deep on a Friday, either!
- If you start a tab, you will give them your credit card and ask if they keep it or swipe it. Don’t be offended if you want to start a tab and they want your card. DO NOT approach the bar without your card out, they don’t know you (or they do). They are responsible for drinks they ring in, you walk on an $80 tab and it comes out of their pocket, not the owners.
- If you’re not sitting at the bar, get your drinks and move away so the next people can order. When you are sitting down at the bar, don’t be a dick. If someone tries to order from behind you, lean out of their way. Help to flag down the bartender for them (just a wave will do). Even better, hand the drinks to the people when they arrive. You start helping every time you are there and you have just become a cool regular, and a bartender’s friend.
- Which is a nice segue into the next subject: STOP TRYING TO FUCK THE BARTENDER. That hottie behind the bar probably has a long-term significant other. Could even be for the other team and no, Ron Jeremy, you will not succeed in changing her mind. You’ll just reinforce all the negative stereotypes of drunk males.
You want him/her to notice you? Tip.
- Don’t tell them how great a bartender they are, or how spectacular you are in bed and how big your dick is.
- Tip and tip well. Have you got a $34 tab? Make it $50 even.
- But Pfaff, that’s over 20%! Yes!!! 20% is what you tip servers, not bartenders.
- Give them $1 a drink minimum. That being said don’t buy a $45 glass of scotch and give $1. If you’re paying cash, leave your tip on top of any change. You do that religiously then they will start to recognize you. For instance, you always drink a double Jamo and ginger with 2 limes, you will no longer need to order it. You’ll sit down to your drink.
- I know regulars who never even have to order food. They sit and wings get entered and beer is poured.
- When you get a chance and see the rush has passed, ask them how their night is going. If they say shitty then ask them if you’re allowed to buy them a shot for when they get off work. That’s better than telling them to try and smile.
In closing, there is one Golden rule which must be followed always. Never, ever engage in a fight inside a bar. This is where people make their living and support their families. Take that shit the fuck outside where people with tasers can deal with you.
Well lads and ladies, there you have just completed How To Be a Bar Patron 101.
Stay drunk my friends and remember it’s better to shit yourself in an Uber than to puke in a cop car. Get home safe!